Q (2018)

She (is called Hitsuji chan) has been willing to live as she is. She is happy these days as she started dating with someone. She even says she would rather die if she was to live as she was before. Her appearance has been changed considerably due to female hormone injections which she gets once in every two weeks. She also puts a great deal of effort into makeup and outfits. However, when she misses an opportunity to get an injection, her beard grows. In contradiction to her desire, her body tries to go back to its original form.

I had a chance to exhibit my works of Hitsuji chan at Namura Zosenjo ato. The venue was once used as a shipyard but is now turned into an alternative space. When I visited this place, I saw grass growing between the cracks in concrete and it reminded me of Hitsuji chan’s growing beard. I thought they were not too far from each other.

Her body has been transformed, in response to her desire to live as she is. On the other hand, it biologically functions to regain its original form, which is hard to go against. I have realized that her body, which contains two conflicting powers easily goes back and forth across the sexualities. When I am with her, her existence gives me a pleasant feeling of involuntarily crossing over the invisible boundary but also questions me what sexuality is and what it is to live as you are.

 

Q

被写体の彼女(ひつじちゃんと呼ばれている)は、自分らしく生きたいと願っている。最近は彼氏もできて嬉しいし、もし前の自分に戻るくらいなら、死にたいとまで言う。2週間に一度のホルモン注射や、服やメイクのおかげで、見た目はかなり変わってきたが、忙しくて注射ができなければ、また髭が伸びてしまうらしい。ひつじちゃんの想いとは裏腹に、身体は元の形を取り戻そうとする。

撮り集めていたひつじちゃんの写真を、大阪の名村造船所跡地で展示する機会があった。元は造船所の倉庫で、今は多目的スペースとして活用されている。ここを訪れた時に、コンクリートの隙間から伸びる草を見て、彼女の髭を思い出し、両者がそんなに遠くないもののように感じられた。

「自分らしく生きたい」に応え、変わっていく身体。一方で、身体自体が元に戻ろうとする、抗えない力。2つの力の拮抗する身体では、ひょいと性の枠を超えたり、戻ったりしていることに気がついた。ひつじちゃんといると、目に見えない枠を軽く超えてしまう心地良さを感じると同時に、性とは、自分らしさとは何かを問われているようでもある。

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